I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
