saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
