you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
