i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
