He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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