i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
