A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
