the condom got lost in my hair
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
