I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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