i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
