just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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