Just fell off a train. Bad.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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