Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
