I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize