I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
