Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
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