Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Alive.
So much puke
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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