i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
