I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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