Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
