Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
