connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
