im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
