He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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