So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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