He uses pillows to masturbate.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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