Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
