I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
