you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
