Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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