Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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