I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
