Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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