My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
