I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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