I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
