so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
