well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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