Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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