Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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