Umm I'm too high to move.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
