nut hugger
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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