Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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