I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
