the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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