I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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