But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
His hands were made for my vagina.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
