I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
