I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
