the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
