just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
