I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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