Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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