Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
