Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
are you so shy because you have an std?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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