Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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