too bad you live with your parents still
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
