My cat gives me a boner
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
