remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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