I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
