Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
