His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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