I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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