The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
