this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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