they need to just BURY HIM!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
