Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
