did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
