I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
