you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
