hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
