Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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