Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Randomize
