i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He felt like a one man threesome
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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