i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
